PHYSICISTS have observed that, when playing a board game, time passes four times as fast when it is your turn to move, than when it is an opponent’s.
Experiments under laboratory conditions found that five minutes waiting for an opponent struggling to choose the best move was long enough to hard boil an egg, but when it is you who has the analysis paralysis, the yolk is still runny.
Dr Martin Scott, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The fabric of space-time is stretched and compressed by gravity, by magnetism and by the presence of one or more opponents complaining that the game is going to take all night if you don’t move soon.
“When an opponent is thinking, times moves normally, and you have time to think about the game, or even something else if you have other things on your mind.
“In contrast time spent planning your own move speeds up, especially if your opponent just played an unexpectedly good move.”
Five Tribes enthusiast Gayle Bennett said: “When I was waiting for Gary to take his turn, I studied the position for ages, had a laugh with Emma about what the shape of some of the pieces remind us of, and then I went to the loo. When I came back he was still thinking.
“When it was my turn, I did a few calculations in my head, then glanced out the window and saw it had gone dark outside all of a sudden. How?”
BOARD GAMES are brilliant and if you disagree you must have something wrong with you, according to experts.
Boardgameologist Barry Venison said: “Sitting around a table and thinking about what you are going to do when it’s your turn is one of the greatest thrills imaginable. Also, you can drink alcohol while playing, and get completely hammered if you want to. If that isn’t enough for you then you’re operating on a level of jaded I can’t actually comprehend.”
Mr Venison, professor of studies at The Institute of Academia, has proposed that in future, anyone caught bemoaning the lack of action in board games should be forced into a re-education camp.
He said “Anyone continuing to doubt that modern board game design is the pinnacle of humankind’s achievement will be sent away and forced to watch footage of Wil Wheaton’s Tabletop series, and challenged to name anything that seems half as appealing.
“Then, for contrast, they will be forced to watch videogamers playing Red Dead Redemption for four hours straight, and instructed to write a poem about how miserable they all look.
Former videogame fan Charlie Hurley agreed: “I used to dismiss board games as being just for old men, but then I realised that what I was actually saying was it had a bit of dignity about it, and didn’t require the attention span of a mayfly. So from now on I will only be playing board games”
“But not Monopoly, obviously.”
A MAN who has had a tough week at work is urgently searching for a new board game to buy himself to cheer himself up.
Eric Gates, aged 36, is currently browsing the internet looking for just the right game to lift his spirits with the warm thrill of consumerism.
He said: “It’s been a hell of a week. I don’t remember one like this since the week I had to buy Gloomhaven.
“I work hard, I deserve a treat now and again, but I’m struggling with deciding exactly what. I found this fantastic new Stefan Feld Euro, but then I remembered I still haven’t played the last one I bought.
“I’ve got stacks of games I’ve not played, and the number of expansions still in their shrink-wrap is approaching triple figures.
“I need a whole new category of thing I can buy to give myself that gratification buzz. Maybe I could get into collectible card games?”
Mr Gates’s desperate yearning for solace ended on Sunday evening, when he won an eBay auction for yet another Dominion expansion.
A man playing the board game Istanbul at a local game night, has been informed that he should have taken the movement tile from the Tavern at the beginning of the game.
Joe Bolton, aged 39, had just finished playing a five player game of Istanbul in which he had finished in third place, when a passing gamer gave him the news.
“I was scratching my head,” said Bolton, “Trying to think how I could have played better, when this guy just came out of nowhere and hit me with the answer. Apparently, I definitely would have won if I had taken the Movement Tile.”
Continue reading “Man Playing Istanbul Informed he Should have Taken the Movement Tile”
A NEW DATING app has launched to connect people who like to spend huge amounts of money on games with hundreds of miniatures and disappointing gameplay.
Backr has over 15,000 members, all of whom have wasted their money filling their houses with massive boxes containing games that will only ever get played twice, then sit there gathering dust until they are put onto eBay in six years time where they will sell for a pittance.
Continue reading “New dating app for people who back expensive Kickstarter campaigns”
A man has become manically convinced that this evening his twelve game losing streak of Imperial Settlers will come to an end, and nobody knows where he is getting his confidence from.
Bobby Kerr, 36, is resolute he is going to win, and has spent the afternoon telling his opponent and work colleague Alan Brown, 42, that he is going to take him down.
An insider said: “It’s incredible. Bobby’s self-belief is an amazing thing to behold. And it is all the more impressive because there is absolutely no reason for it.
“Bobby has not won a game of Imperial Settlers since Alan first taught him how to play it, back in January, on a staff away-day. But Bobby has admirably refused to let that reality influence his prediction in any way whatsoever.
“Every week, Bobby cockily predicts victory for himself, and refuses to change his ways when he is proved wrong, week after week . He’s just so inspiring.”
“Bobby does not even need to practice the game or read strategy guides. His supreme confidence just seems to come naturally. He should do motivational speaking.
“Sometimes he seems to flag a little but then he goes to the bathroom, and he comes out absolutely ebullient. I think he is talking to himself in the mirror.
The insider added: “If the result could be decided by whoever did the most aggressive trash-talk, Bobby would be certain to win. Unfortunately, it isn’t.”
An insider has revealed that the decades-old practice of showing chess games in movies with the board set up the wrong way round is a deliberate ploy designed to wind up nerds in the audience.
The source said: “Everybody knows that when you set up a chess board you make sure the corner square to your right is a white square. Do you really think that when film makers get it wrong that it’s by accident? They’re doing it on purpose, mate!
“Ha ha … mate … geddit?
Continue reading “Chess boards the wrong way round in movies revealed to be deliberate to wind up nerds”